Romeo and Juliet: a classic WHATEVER!
by dramafreak
Summary: this is a scene by scene parody of Romeo and Juliet ::disclaimer:: i don't own nething


Romeo and Juliet: A classic What Ever!

Escalus, Prince of Verona

Pairs, a young nobleman, kinsman to the prince

Montague, Head of the Montague house

Capulet, Head of the Capulet house

An old man, of the Capulet family

Romeo, Son of Montague

Mercutio, kinsman to the Prince. and friend to Romeo

Benvolio, nephew to Montague, and friend to Romeo

Tybalt, nephew to Lady Capulet

Friar Laurence, a priest

Friar John, a priest

Balthasar, servant to Romeo

Sampson and Gregory, servants to Capulet

Peter, servant to Juliet's nurse

Abraham, servant to Montague

A pharmacist

Larry, Curly, and Moe, Three musicians

Page to Paris

Lady Montague, wife to Montague

Lady Capulet, wife to Capulet

Juliet, daughter to Capulet

Nurse, to Juliet

Citizens of Verona

Kinsfolk of both houses

Maskers, Guards, Watchmen, Attendants

Servant of Capulet

Narrator

Scene: Verona/Mantua.

Prologue

Enter Narrator

Narrator

Two families by the names of Capulet and Montague,

Feud at every meeting.

They see each other and swing their fists.

Until someone of another family comes to break it up.

But the child from each of these families,

Falls in love with the other.

And in this story, you will learn.

How love is a fickle in more ways than one.

(Exit stage left)

Act one

Scene one:

Verona, A public place.

Enter Sampson and Gregory, of the house of Capulet, with swords.

Sampson

Hey, yo Gregory! We will never carry coals!

Gregory

No, 'cause then if we did, we'd be coal-carriers.

Sampson

Like DUH! The proper term is 'Colliers!' It is so NOT 'COAL- carriers!'

Gregory

Sampson, Shut up. (Pause) Sampson, what are you looking at?

Sampson

(Point down the street) Two of the Montague dogs are coming down the street, so take out your sword, or put up your dukes, 'cause we have to pass them as we walk down the street.

Enter Abraham and Balthasar

Gregory

What should we do? Should we. A: Insult them, B: Frown at them, or C: Slap them up-side their ugly mug7 Which is it to be, A, B, or C7

Sampson

Sha right, like we are going to do anything! They shall start the brawl. (Pause) No. I think that I will finger my nose at them. Although I doubt that they will notice, they are retards, since they work for the Montagues.

(As Abraham and Balthasar pass, Sampson fingers his nose (puts his thumb to his nose and wiggles his other fingers) Abraham and Balthasar pause).

Abraham

Excuse me, what was that for?

Sampson

Are you of the house of Montague?

Abraham

Wouldn't you like to know?

Sampson

Well if you are, it was supposed to be insulting. For all Montague's are dirty dogs. But if you are not, then it is only an annoying habit.

Abraham

We are not dirty dogs; it is the Capulets that are the dogs.

Gregory

How dare you insult our boss? Pull out you swords, or put up your dukes if you be men!

Balthasar

We'd be delighted!

(They fight)

Enter Benvolio

Benvolio

Drop your weapons! The street is not for fighting! Save it for a deserted parking lot!

Enter Tybalt

Tybalt

Benvolio of the house of dogs, turn and face me. For you have a date with destiny!

Benvolio

Cousin IT, I believe in peace on the streets. (Take a few steps toward his house)

Tybalt

Are you a Man or Mouse? Come and face me. Coward!

They fight. People from both families come out and join in. Enter Citizens and police officers, with clubs.

First officer

Hey, you! Break it up. BREAK IT UP! (The fighters do not hear him, and continue fighting.) (To other officers and citizens) come on men; let's break this up! (The officer jumps on Tybalt and Benvolio yelling) Down with Capulets and Montagues' (Other officers and citizens follow him by yelling and jumping down on fighters clubs raised.)

Enter old Capulet and Lady Capulet.

Capulet

What's all this ruckus for? Can't a man get some sleep around here? Wait a minute! Someone get me my long sword!

Lady Capulet

What do you want a... (Yawn) sword for? Surely you don't want to take part in this brawl?

Capulet

My sword! My sword! Old Montague of the house of the dogs is coming and he has his sword out to kill me! So I demand that my long sword he brought to me!

Enter a servant of the house of Capulet.

Servant

Where is your long sword?

Capulet

Next to my short sword! Go hurry!

Enter Montague and Lady Montague.

Montague

Stop miser! And draw your sword out!

Lady Montague

Dear husband! Do not fight! You have not had breakfast yet! Wait until after breakfast to kill the miser!

Enter Prince Escalus and his train.

Prince

Hello! What's this? Are you disturbing the peace AGAIN? (Heavy emphasis on again) (The fighting stops) This is the third time that you have interrupted the peace of this city! I shall have to speak to both of you, Capulet and Montague. Capulet will come with me now, and Montague, you come this afternoon. If I ever catch you at it again, I will kill you. Hear that? I will kill you! (Take a deep calming breath) Then maybe there will be some peace around here. Men, depart.

(Everybody leaves except Montague, Lady Montague, and Benvolio.)

Montague

How did this brawl start? Tell me nephew, were you here when it started?

Benvolio

Your servants and some of Capulets servants were fighting when I came along. I split them apart. Then Tybalt came along shooting off his big mouth. So he and I fought. Then more and more people came and fought, until the prince came.

Lady Montague

Hey, where's that son of mine, Romeo? Thank heavens he wasn't in this fight!

Benvolio

I saw him sneaking off to the woods early this morning.

Montague

Many a morning he is seen going to the forest. He always seems so depressed.

Benvolio

Well, do you know why?

Montague

I haven't the slightest clue. Nor can I get him to tell me what it is.

Benvolio

Have you asked around?

Montague

Yes. But nobody seems to know what it is that troubles him.

Enter Romeo

Benvolio

Scram, I'll find out what troubles him. You'll see if I don't.

Montague

Okay, I leave it to you. (To Lady Montague.) Let's go back inside.

Montague and Lady Montague exit.

Benvolio

Wuz up cuz? Isn't an awesome morning?

Romeo

Is it STILL morning?

Benvolio

The chimes just rang nine.

Romeo

Wow, when you're sad the hours seem to crawl by.

Benvolio

Why are you sad?

Romeo

My girlfriend dumped me.

Benvolio

Why? Did she give a reason?

Romeo

Yes. She wants to be a nun.

Benvolio

No way!

Romeo

Yes way. And it's a darn shame to, for she is one hot momma.

Benvolio

Then forget about her!

Romeo

If only I could! Hut whenever I close my eyes, all I can see is her in her short shorts!

Romeo makes a sort-of longing groan

Benvolio

Then come with me tonight. We will find a party and scope out hot chicks.

Romeo

Okay!

Curtain drop

Scene 2: a street

Enter Capulet, Paris, and a servant.

Capulet

You would think that two old men as old as Montague and I would he able to keep peace here!

Paris

Yes, it's a shame that you two have been at ends so long. But, would you let me marry your fair daughter Juliet?

Capulet

I don't know, she is only 13.

Paris

Girls younger than her have been married.

Capulet

Aye, you're, right. But even they were married to soon. But if Juliet consents you can marry her. Anyway, tonight I am going to have a party. I have invited a lot of people. And you are on the list. So if you will come with me we can get everything set up. Servant! Will you go about Verona and invite these people on this list? Thank you.

Exit Capulet and Paris

Servant

Man I wish I could read!

Enter Benvolio and Romeo

Servant

Yo! You.' Mr.'s (Romeo is making gestures that say, "You mean me7") Yes you, who else is here? Anyway, do you know how to read?

Romeo

Yes.

Servant

Well, could you please read to me who is on this list?

Romeo

Sure. (Romeo takes paper and reads off)(Reading)

'Everyone belonging to the house of Capulet, thei and oh yes, that pretty girl Rosaline, and a few of her friends.

Why are they on this list?

Servant

My boss, Capulet is having a party, if you don't live in the Montague house, then come! Farewell!

Servant leaves

Benvolio

Well Romeo, it sounds like your ex is going to be at this party. We should go and compare her to the other beauties. Maybe you'll find someone you'll like better.

Romeo

Doubt it. But it's worth a shot. Okay, let's go.

Scene 3: A room in Capulet's house

Enter Lady Capulet and nurse

Lady Capulet

Nurse, please call my daughter.

Nurse

Yes, ma'am. Juliet! Juliet!

Enter Juliet

Juliet

Hello! I'm here! Who calls?

Nurse

Your mother, ma'am.

Juliet

Mother, here I am! What do you want?

Lady Capulet

Well Nurse, you know my daughter's age.

Nurse

I can tell you up to the hour.

Lady Capulet

She is not 14.

Nurse

Yup, she is not 14. How long until Lammas-tide?

Lady Capulet

About two weeks, more or less.

Nurse

Well, more or less: on Lammas-tide she will be 14. I remember when she was a little girl. She had fallen down, and then my husband went up to her and said, hey, did you fall on your face? You'll fall backward when you're smart enough, wont you? And little Juliet says through her tears, "Yes."

Lady Capulet

Oh, please be quiet!

Nurse

Oh ma'am! I can't help hut laugh! It was just sooooo cute!

Juliet

Please! Nurse! Please be quiet!

Nurse

Okay! Okay! But you were the prettiest baby that I ever saw. Now to think that you're all grown up and getting married!

Lady Capulet

Yes, that is what I want to talk about. Tell me, Juliet, do you want to be married?

Juliet

I don't know. I haven't really thought about it.

Nurse

What?! If I weren't your nurse, then I would say that you were crazy!

Lady Capulet

(Ignoring the Nurse) Well think about it now. Girls younger than you have been happily married, I was. You know, Paris wants to marry you.

Nurse

Paris! Wow! What a doll!

Lady Capulet

Yea, I know. What do you think Juliet? You think that you could love Paris? Tonight you will see him at our Feast, and you will he able to make a decision.

Juliet

I'll look for your sake mother. But I'm kinda deeper than most of the shallow girls in Verona. Looks aren't everything.

Nurse

Really?

Enter the head butler

Head Butler

Party has started ma'am and mistress. Please, come.

Lady Capulet

We'll come. (Head Butler leaves) Come Juliet, and feast your eyes on Paris. Maybe you're a bit shallower than you think.

Nurse

You go girl! (Nurse starts dancing around the room singing- "You go girl! You go girl!")

Lady Capulet and Juliet leave the Nurse dancing.

Scene 4: a street

Enter Romeo, Mercutio, Benvolio, with 5 or 6 other

Maskers, and torchbearers.

Romeo

What will our excuse be for being here uninvited?

Benvolio

We walk in, if they tell us to go, heck, we go.

Romeo

Doesn't sound too difficult.

Mercutio

(He has a confused face on) So if they tell us to go, we go.

Romeo

Exactly.

Mercutio

OH! I get it!

Romeo

(Rolling his eyes) Here, let me carry the torch. I'm not going to be dancing.

Benvolio

Ha, ha no. You are going to dance, remember why we're here? We're having a Romeo pity-party.

Mercutio

Are we?

Benvolio

YES! I swear, if you were any slower, you'd be going backwards!

(At this, Mercutio promptly turns around starts walking backwards. Benvolio makes a long-suffering kind-of noise.) Anyway, "Romeo, you will dance and scoping out hotter chicks than your ex.

Romeo

I don't know. I think that Cupids bow is too deep.

Mercutio

Cupid! Where? I always wanted to meet him! (Mercutio is looking around frantically.)

Romeo

All right, fine, whatever!

Mercutio

You know, I had a dream last night.

Benvolio

(In a very sarcastic voice.) Do tell,

Mercutio is staring into space as he says this.

Mercutio

I dreamed of a land where you don't ride horses to get somewhere. You drive carriages without horses. They're motor powered. In this dream there were children that were singing songs that didn't have a tune. Some of them were bouncing an orange hall around, trying to get the ball into a hoop type of thing. There was a weird type of sword that was colorful, and made an odd clashing sound. These were called light sabers. There also were...(all through this. Romeo and Benvolio are looking more and more amazed.)

Romeo

I'm scared.

Benvolio

Do ya think we should lock him up

Mercutio

What? Uh, yeah, whatever.

Benvolio

Looks like we have our dear Mercutio back.

Romeo

Yup. Well, I guess that according to you guys, I'm dancing.

Benvolio

Yup.

They enter the house where the party is being held.

Scene 5: A hall in Capulet's house

Musicians waiting. Enter serving men with napkins

First serving man

Jeez, when there's a party, we are so overworked!

Second serving man

I totally agree.

Third serving man

Me too, but we must do as our boss says.

First serving man

Men, we are called to the great chamber.

Second serving man

We can't be here and there at the same time!

The three of them exit out the door.

Enter Capulet, with Juliet and others of his house, meeting the guests and Maskers.

Capulet

Welcome! Ladies and Gents! I'm pleased to see you all here! Have a good time! (Look over to where the musicians are (Larry, Curly and Moe) Musicians! Start us with a gavotte!

Larry

Gavotte he says?

Curly

Yes dummy! (Curly smacks Larry upside his face)

Moe

Hey! What did you do that for? (Moe smacks Curly up side his face.) Now let's play.

(The musicians begin to play. everyone starts dancing but Capulet and his cousin. They sit on the sidelines, watching.)

Capulet

Dear cousin, how long has it been since we've been at a masked ball.

Cousin

About 30 years, more or less.

Capulet

(Look at his cousin in amazement) Jeez, that long?

Cousin

About.

Romeo

(To a serving man) Who's that girl over there?

Serving man

I don't know sir.

Romeo

Oh, man she is one fine lady. I'm going to go talk to her.

Tybalt

(He was standing near Romeo and the Serving man) He's a Montague! I can tell by his voice! Serving man! Fetch me my sword! I'm going to go excuse that Montague from this house! (He starts walking heatedly over to where Romeo is standing. But halfway there, is interceded by Capulet.)

Capulet

Jeez, boy! Where are you off to in such a rush?

Tybalt

Uncle, there is a Montague villain in here. He goes by the name Romeo.

Capulet

Romeo huh. Well according to the rest of Verona, Romeo is a virtuous young man. So leave him be. I don't want a scene.

Tybalt

(With sagging shoulders) Okay. But uncle, it seems dishonorable.

Capulet

Yes, I know. But don't you see? It's a trick to give us a bad name. So leave him alone.

Tybalt

All right, for now. (Tybalt turns to leave)

Serving man

(Runs up to Tybalt and holds up Tybalt's sword.) Here is the sword that you called for.

Tybalt

Oh! A sharp pointy thing! (Tybalt takes the sword and walks out of the room, examining it. Serving man returns to his position.)

Romeo

(To Juliet) Oh fair lady! I was standing over there looking at you, and wondering what it is like to kiss you.

Juliet

(Flushing) Really? Well I don't even know you. So I guess that you'll have to wait until we get to know each other. It would he a sin not to wait.

Romeo

I don't think so, anyway you could know me inside, out with one kiss.

Juliet

Really?

Romeo

Yes. (Takes a step toward Juliet.) Just don't move.

(They kiss)

Juliet

If that were sin. I wouldn't mind doing it again,

Romeo

Really? (Moves in as to kiss her again)

(Enter Nurse)

Nurse

Juliet! Your mother wishes to speak with you.

Romeo

Who is her mother?

Nurse

Why, DUH! Her mother is the lady of the house! (Say this as if it should be obvious.)

Romeo

Wh-What?

Benvolio

(To 'Romeo) Come let's go.

Romeo

Uh, okay.

Capulet

Good night everyone! Have a safe trip home!

Everyone exits but Juliet and the Nurse.

Nurse

Now, tell me who that fine looking man was?

Juliet

(Looking dreamy) I have no idea, please nurse, find out for me. And if he is married, I will die.

Nurse

Well you don't have to be so melodramatic.

(Nurse goes to Romeo and asks him his name, then walks hack to Juliet.)

Nurse

His name is Romeo, he is Montague's only son, and Montaque is your enemy.

Juliet

My only love is supposed to he my enemy!

Nurse

What?!

Juliet

Nothing, nothing.

(Someone calls from within, "Juliet")

Nurse

We should go.

The Nurse and Juliet leave.

Act 2

Prologue

Enter Narrator

Romeo and Juliet. Juliet and Romeo

Both fell in love with the supposed foe.

So to keep their parents from knowing,

They meet on the sly every chance they get.

There they do a little talking,

Swearing those vows that lovers often share.

(Narrator pauses)

Ah. What the heck am I saying?

(The Narrator smacks his forehead)

They meet in the woods every morning and make out!

What else is there to say?

(Narrator looks at the audience, shakes his head and walks out stage left.)

Scene 1: A lane by the wall of Capulet's orchard.

Enter Romeo, alone

Romeo

Can I really go home when I know that my love is behind that wall? (Romeo turns to the audience and shakes his head.) Nah. (Romeo climbs the wall and jumps down the other side.)

Enter Benvolio and Mercutio just in time to see Romeo go over the wall

Mercutio

Uh, like what's Romeo doing going over that wall?

Benvolio

I don't know. But it would be useless to call him, or look for him.

Mercutio

Uh, why is that?

Benvolio

Because he obviously doesn't want to be found.

Mercutio

He doesn't?

Benvolio

C'mon, let's go home. Maybe someone has an idea on how to screw your head on straight.

Mercutio

Yeah, okay, let's.

Exit Benvolio and Mercutio

Scene 2: Capulet's orchard

Enter Romeo

Romeo

(Romeo had landed on the other side of the wall on his backside) Ouch, that hurt. I'm going to have a really big booboo later. (Juliet appears at a window above) But here is a booboo healer now. She can heal me with her kisses. But why doesn't she talk? Is she mute? Is she one of the living dead? 

See how she leans her cheek upon her hand!/0, that I were a glove upon that hand,/That I might touch that cheek!

Juliet

Quoting Shakespeare, Romeo? It doesn't seem like you at all.

Romeo

So she speaks! (Romeo mumbles the next phrase under breath, then continues in a loud voice.) I was beginning to get worried. Speak more, fair lady!

Juliet

(Smiles a winning smile)

Romeo, 'Romeo wherefore art thou Romeo?/Deny thy father, and refuse thy name.

Romeo

More Shakespeare?

Juliet

Be serious for once.

Romeo

I am serious.

Juliet

You do know that if my family members find you out here, they will kill you.

Romeo

To the great mind, death is but the next great adventure, anyway, Juliet. I was wondering... if you'd marry me.

Juliet

Oh Romeo! I love you so much, and would be more than happy to marry you...

Romeo

But...

Juliet

Our parents will never consent.

Romeo

Then we'll get married in secret, then run away together!

Juliet

You mean ELOPE! I am much too young!

Romeo

Then we'll get married in secret, then stay here until you feel that you can leave.

Juliet

OK! (Juliet leans over the railing a bit more) OK! That sounds great! I'll call for you tomorrow! (Juliet falls out the window. Romeo runs under and catches her.) Th-Thank you Romeo. Y-You saved my life.

Romeo

As long as you're safe, cupcake.

Juliet

I'll call for you at nine.

Romeo

Okay. I'll get everything fixed with Friar Laurence.

Juliet

OK.

Nurse

(Calls from within the house) Juliet! Juliet!

Juliet

Goodnight, a thousand-and-one goodnights.

Romeo

(Setting her down) How about a thousand-and-one kisses?

Juliet

How about just one?

Romeo

Works for me! (They kiss)

Nurse

(Calls from within the house.) Juliet Capulet! You get your bee-hind in here! Right now girl!

Juliet

Coming! (To Romeo) goodnight!

Romeo

Sleep tight; don't let the bedbugs bite!

Juliet

More Shakespeare?

Romeo

(Cocks his head to the side for a moment) Nah, I think it was my ma.

Juliet

Oh, well goodnight.

(They stand there staring at each other for a moment, then the nurse sounding really agitated- calls again "Juliet!")

Romeo

Goodnight Juliet. (Then Romeo climbs back over the wall. Juliet looks after him for a moment, then goes inside.)

Curtain drops

Scene 3: Friar Laurence's cell

Enter the Friar, with a basket

Friar

(Pauses at a small window) Ah what a beautiful morning, kinda makes me want to do something wild like... (Enter Romeo in the back of the room. The Friar doesn't see him yet) like run through the hood screaming FIRE… Boy, wouldn't that make a scene. (Sigh)

Romeo

I wouldn't suggest it Friar. When I did that. I got caught; the prince gave a severe talking to. Besides, I broke my arm from getting trampled.

Friar

Really? Oh, well. I can't really afford to brake anything, with so many people coming around to confess, anyway, it looks like you didn't go to bed last night. What were doing? Sporting with Rosaline? You know you shouldn't do that.

Romeo

Really Friar, you wound me. I wouldn't he cheatin' on my babe, not for an ugly bow-wow like Rosaline.

Friar

Ah, so you scored yourself another one. Who's the lovesick victim this time?

Romeo

One fired up kisser.

Friar

A name, please?

Romeo

Juliet Capulet. (Romeo clutches his heart and makes a sighing sound)

Friar

Your enemy?

Romeo

Well, yeah, but we want to get married in secret. Could you do it today?

Friar

Okay.

Romeo

Great! See you later!

Exit Romeo

Friar

Yeah, whatever! (Exit the Friar) 

Curtains drop

Scene 4: A street

Enter Benvolio and Mercutio

Benvolio

(Pacing three paces back and forth) Where is 'Romeo? Didn't he come home last night?

Mercutio

I don't think so.

Benvolio

That blasted witch 'Rosaline is still tormenting him!

Mercutio

You know, a letter from the Capulets came for 'Romeo. It's from Tybalt.

Benvolio

A challenge I bet. Of course Romeo will answer.

Mercutio

(Becoming very involved in watching a bird make it's nest) Yeah, whatever.

Benvolio

And of course he will win. Romeo is way surlier than Tybalt.

Mercutio

Uh, huh, Whatever.

Benvolio

Finally we'll show those Capulet dogs!

Enter Romeo

Benvolio

Hey Romeo! Wuz up?

Mercutio

(In a sing songy voice) Wuz, up, wuz, up.

Romeo

Nothing much.

Mercutio

(Still in a sing songy voice) Nothin much. nothin much.

Benvolio

You know that you gave us the slip earlier. I did not appreciate it.

Mercutio

(Still in a sing songy voice) 'Preciate it. 'preciate it.

Romeo

I'm sorry. I had important matters to attend to.

Mercutio

(Still in a sing songy voice) Attend to, attend to.

Benvolio and Romeo

(To Mercutio) WILL YOU STOP IT!

Mercutio, looking stunned nods.

Enter the Nurse and Peter

Benvolio

Look at that ugly woman coming down the street!

Nurse

(Approaching them.) Have any of you guys seen Romeo?

Romeo

I'm Romeo. What do you want?

Nurse

I have a message from my mistress.

Benvolio

I hope that your mistress is prettier than you are, for Romeo's sake.

Nurse

(Snapping in the air once) Well Excuuuuse me, Mr. Thang.

Peter

How dare you insult a woman!

Benvolio

A woman! This thing's a dog!

At this Peter jumps on Benvolio and starts punching Benvolio. Benvolio is crying out for his Mommy".

Nurse

Peter! Get off him! NOW!

Peter

Getting up) Sorry, ma'am.

Nurse

Is ah'ight. He deserved it. Anyway Romeo, can I speak with you for a moment? Alone7

Romeo

Whatever. Benvolio, take Mercutio home. I'll be along in a minute.

Mercutio

See ya.

Benvolio

'Bye.

Exit Benvolio and Mercutio

Romeo

Now, what's this message from your mistress?

Nurse

My mistress, Juliet, wants to know if the arrangements have been made.

Romeo

Yup, they have. Tell her that the Friar will do it this afternoon.

Nurse

Ok I'll do that.

Romeo

Thank you, bye.

Nurse

Bye.

Exit the Nurse, Peter and Romeo, going in opposite directions.

Scene 5: Capulet's orchard

Enter Juliet

Juliet

At nine o' clock I sent the nurse, giving her a half-hour to find Romeo. Oh, I hope she hurries!

Enter Nurse and 'Peter

Here she comes! Oh Nurse did you find him? What did he say! Send Peter away!

Nurse

Peter; go back to the gate.

Exit Peter

Juliet

Why do you look so sad? I hope that the news isn't had!

Nurse

I'm weary, girl. Let me catch my breath.

Juliet pauses a second.

Juliet

Oh please nurse! Tell me!

Nurse

OKAY! He says that the Friar will do it this afternoon. (Nurse cocks her head at Juliet for a moment) I still think that Pairs is a doll.

Juliet

Nurse!

Nurse

Okay, okay. If you leave right now, you should make it.

Juliet

Ok, thank you Nurse.

Nurse

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Exit Juliet

Nurse

(After she is sure that Juliet is gone. she starts dancing around the orchard singing, "You go girl!" Until the curtain falls)

Scene: 6 Friar Laurence's cell

Enter the Friar and Romeo

Friar

Ah, what a beautiful day to get married! Kinda makes me want to do it myself.

Romeo

True, true, so, so true.

Enter Juliet

Ah, here comes the lady of the hour.

Juliet

Hello. Romeo

Juliet walks up to Romeo, and Romeo puts his arms around her waist. Romeo

We're ready to get married Friar.

Friar

Okay, come with me.

They all exit

Act 3

Scene 1: A public place

Enter Mercutio, Benvolio, Page, and servants

Benvolio

C'mon, Mercutio. Let's go home. (Yawn) It's a very hot, tiring day.

Mercutio

Ok, yeah, whatever!

Benvolio

You know. I think that if a Capulet were to come our way, we would probably fight.

(Enter Tybalt and others)

Benvolio

Speak of the devil. Here comes Tybalt.

Mercutio

Ok, yeah. Whatever!

Tybalt

(To the people with him) Let me handle this. (To Mercutio and Benvolio) Hey! Boys, have you seen Romeo?

Mercutio

(Finally waking up at last) Wouldn't you like to know!

Tybalt

Actually, I would. So would you tell we?

Mercutio

NO!

Benvolio

(Looking around nervously.) You guys, as much as I approve of fighting, I think we should find a seclude spot. I mean everybody and his brother is watching.

Mercutio

I don't care who's watching us! I will not move!

Tybalt

(Looking shocked at Mercutio) I r-really want fight R-Romeo, before anyone else.

Mercutio

Draw your sword, fiend! (He draws his sword)

Enter Romeo

Tybalt

(Looking much braver) Ah, here comes my man now.

Mercutio

(Venomously) I'd he hanged, if such a man as Romeo would sink so low as to fight with you.

Tybalt

Romeo, You wrote that you cared about me. This I just can't bear. Your ancestor stole one of my ancestor's cows. So that means that you are a criminal.

Romeo

Tybalt, the reason why I care about you is... a secret. But for your information, I am not a criminal. So I guess that you don't know me as well as you thought you did. So, good-bye!

Tybalt

Boy, you get your behind over here. For this does like, SO not excuse the injuries that you gave me.

Romeo

Injuries? I have never laid a finger on you. Because I'm if I did, I'd be in the ER room from that terminal disease that you carry with you!

Tybalt

What!

Mercutio

I said DRAW!

Tybalt

Who do YOU think that you are talking to?

Mercutio

A whinny little kitten whose nine lives are up.

Tybalt

(While drawing he makes a furious gurgling sound.)

Tybalt and Mercutio fight

Romeo

Mercutio! Stop! The Prince clearly stated that he didn't want us to be fighting in the middle of the street! Benvolio help me! Tybalt, stop! You too Mercutio!

(Tybalt stabs Mercutio under Romeo's arm then bolts with his followers.)

Mercutio

He- (gasp-got me! (Mercutio faints for a few seconds, then as Benvolio starts to drag him home, he starts yelling at the top of his lungs.) A PLAGUE TO BOTH OF YOUR HOUSES! CURSE YOU! A PLAGUE TO BOTH OF YOUR HOUSES!

Exit Benvolio, Mercutio and others.

Spotlight on 'Romeo

Romeo

Mercutio, the Prince's and my friend. He got hurt because of me. (Romeo falls to his knees) Oh sweet Juliet! My love for you has made me soft!

Re-enter Benvolio, running

Benvolio

Romeo- (gasp)-Mercutio's-(gasp)-Dead-(gasp!) (Benvolio falls to the ground, gasping for breath. When he comes up, he is better.) And a pity too, he was starting to grow on me.

Romeo

Benvolio! You are so like, heartless!

Benvolio

(Looking wondering) It's taken you this long to notice that!

Enter Tybalt

Benvolio

And here comes Tybalt. (He starts humming the death hymn.)

Romeo

(Draws) Tybalt! Will you accept the challenge of a "Criminal"7 (Romeo makes Quotation marks in the air as he says "Criminal".)

Tybalt

(Draws) Darn tootin right I will!

They fight, Tybalt falls

Benvolio

Romeo!

Run away! Stand not amazed/ the prince will doom thee to death!

Romeo

(Groaning) Benvolio, this is no time for Shakespeare!

Benvolio

Then how about something from my tutor, "Get you bee-hind out of here!"

Romeo

Yes sir

Exit Romeo

Enter citizens

1st citizen

Where did the murderer of Mercutio go? Where did Tybalt run?

Benvolio

Well Mister, Tybalt's dead. He's lying right here beside my feet.

2nd citizen

Then we must get the Prince!

Enter Prince, attended, Montague, Capulet, their wives, and others

Prince

Where are the people who began this? Benvolio, tall me what you know.

Benvolio

Tybalt killed Mercutio, so Romeo killed Tybalt.

Lady Capulet

Tybalt, my cousin! My father's brother's kid! He's DEAD! (Starts sobbing hysterically.)

Prince

(Trying to he heard over Lady Capulet's wails.) Benvolio, tell me everything.

Benvolio

Tybalt slew Mercutio. So when Tybalt came waltzing back up here. Romeo slew him.

Lady Capulet

He is lying! He is from the house of villains! You can't believe him!

Prince

So let me get this straight. Tybalt slew Mercutio, then Romeo slew Tybalt. Who should I condemn?

Montague

Not Romeo for he has only done what the law should do, the death of Tybalt.

Prince

All right then. For that offence, Romeo is exiled. If he comes hack into this not-so-peaceful town, then he shall he brought to his death.

Exit all

Scene 2: Capulet's orchard

Enter Juliet

Juliet

Oh. I can't bear it! I have a horrible feeling that something has happened to my dear Romeo. (Look up to the sky) Oh, stars bring my beloved 'Romeo back to me. I would give anything to have him hug me again! To feel his sweet kisses! God wouldn't be so cruel as to take Romeo from me!

Enter Nurse 

Oh Nurse! What has happened?

Nurse

Too much at once!

Juliet

Oh please fell me!

Nurse

(Fall to the ground sobbing) Oh! He is dead! He is dead. Woe is the day! He is dead. He is killed, and he is dead!

Juliet

Can God be so jealous?

Nurse

No, but Romeo can. Who'd believe it? Romeo?

Juliet

Nurse, You are SO torturing me! Will you please tell me what you are going on about?

Nurse

I saw the wound! Oh it was so ICKY! And BLOODY! (Emphasis on "ICKY" and

"BLOODY")

Juliet

Romeo, Romeo has-hasn't k-killed himself- Has he?

Nurse

Oh Tybalt! That I should live to see you dead! Cursed he this world! Straining an already poor heart as mine!

Juliet

Tybalt? Dead? But how does Romeo fit into this?

Nurse

Tybalt was killed by Romeo. Now Romeo is banished.

Juliet

ROMEO? As in Romeo my husband killed Tybalt?

Nurse

Si, senora. Oh drat it all. I actually liked Romeo a little. Will you speak badly of the fiend that killed your cousin?

Juliet

("Paces 3 steps each way while she is speaking.) Should I speak nasty of my significant other? Tybalt would have surly killed him without blinking an eye. Romeo is banished. That word 'banished' is more woe than 10 thousand Tybalts killed. With this horrid thing that has happened, wouldn't it be way apt if we were all dead? Mother, father, Tybalt, Romeo, Juliet. All dead, all gone. (Stop pacing, giggle hysterically.)

Nurse

(Looking worriedly at Juliet) You know. I think that I will go get Romeo. He is at Friar Laurence's cell. Now you go up to your room. I'll send you parents up to you.

Juliet

Dead, dead, dead. We're all dead, dead, dead. Mother, father, Tybalt, Romeo, Juliet. We're all dead, dead, dead (goes up to her room repeating that over and over again. (Exit Juliet)

Nurse

(Looking at Juliet worriedly.) Dear girl, dear, dear, girl. I'll have Romeo to go up and comfort you. Don't worry, Everything will be peachy. You'll see. You'll see. (Exit Nurse)

Scene 3: Friar Laurence's cell

Enter Friar Laurence to Romeo who is already there _[Throughout this scene, Romeo has an exaggerated, despairing voice and attitude]_

Friar

You can come out now Romeo, the Prince has left.

Romeo

Oh Friar, What is my punishment?

Friar

(Sadly) Too familiar, I'm afraid. Romeo, You are banished.

Romeo

Might as well be death.

Friar

It will be death if he sees you. But don't worry. It is a big world out there.

Romeo

It is not a world. Is Juliet out there waiting for me? NO! A world without out Juliet is nothing short of hell. (Breaks down and starts crying)

Friar

Where has your sense of philosophy gone?

Romeo

Philosophy went down with Tybalt.

Knocking within

Friar

Romeo! Hide!

Romeo

I will not hide; I would be better off dead.

Friar

Romeo get up! Run to my study! Who's there? Romeo, you will he taken if someone sees you! Who is there?

Nurse

(Within) Let me in! Juliet sent me.

Friar

Come in then.

Enter Nurse

Nurse

Oh Friar! Where is Juliet's Lord? Where is Romeo?

Friar

On the ground, weeping.

Nurse

Just like Juliet! Crying her beautiful eyes out! Except she's a little hysterical too. Stand up boy! There's nothing I hate more than to see a grown man crying! Stand up! For Juliet's sake if not for ours!

Romeo

Nurse!

Nurse

Dee-lighted to see you too, sir.

Romeo

You were speaking of Juliet, is she well? Does she think me a murderer? Oh good nurse please tell me! Have I ruined our love forever?

Nurse

Calm yourself boy. Juliet says nothing, but cries her dear eyes out. First for Tybalt, then for you. Then back again.

Romeo

I have caused her sorrow! My dear sweet Juliet! My name has caused her to sorrow! Oh has not Hell broken open and swallowed me up? Nay, But I will be going there soon. (He draws his sword.)

Friar

__

[A lot of fire and brimstone attitude should go w/ this speech] Romeo! You shall not kill yourself! It is a stupid, cowardly, WOMANLY thing to do. You have killed Tybalt: will you kill yourself along with your lady fair? Juliet is alive! And so are you. So are going to go back on you word, and not cherish the love which you have? I think NOT! No, you are going to Juliet this evening, and comfort her. BE A MAN! (To Nurse) Nurse, go to Juliet, and tell her that Romeo is coming.

Nurse

Right away. (Exit Nurse)

Romeo

Thank you Friar. I feel much better now.

Friar

No problem man. You just make the best of a hard situation.

Romeo

That I will do. Farewell!

Exit Romeo

Friar

Good luck.

Exit Friar

Scene 4: A room in Capulet's house

Enter Capulet, Lady Capulet, and Paris

Capulet

Well this is a fine kettle of fish. Juliet is upstairs crying. You see she loved Tybalt very much. So did I, come to think of it. Anyway, I need to get her married, the sooner the better. So I would like you to marry her.

Paris

I will marry her. I love her very much. Lady, will you put in a good word for me with your daughter?

Lady Capulet

That I will do.

Capulet

Great! Then we will have the wedding Thursday. That should be enough time to get everything set up. What do you say to Thursday?

Paris

My lord/I would that Thursday were to-marrow.

Lady Capulet

Oh, Shakespeare!

Capulet

Wife, prepare Juliet!

Exit all

Scene 5 Capulet's orchard

Enter Romeo and Juliet, above, at the window

Juliet

Oh must you go already? If is not morning yet. Believe me, night is still upon us.

Romeo

No it is morning. As much as I hate to leave I have to if I want to live.

Juliet

But it is not morning yet!

Romeo

Ok. If you say it ain't morning, then it ain't morning. That grayish light is not the sun. And if it be your will, I will stay here and die.

Juliet

Oh, well then. You must go. Get on to Mantua, where you will be safe. Write to me. I will come when an opportunity arises.

Enter Nurse

Nurse

Juliet! Your mother is coming up the stairs! Be careful! (Exit)

Juliet

Then Romeo, you must go.

Romeo

All right. Just one more kiss, then I'll descend.

They kiss. Romeo descends.

Juliet

Romeo! I must hear from you everyday.

Romeo

To hear is to obey!

Juliet

Will I ever see you again?

Romeo

Like, DUH! Of course you will! Adios! (Exit)

Juliet

Oh, sometimes he confuses me. Oh, well. I hope to see him soon.

Enter Lady Capulet

Lady Capulet

Hey Juliet! Whatcha' doin?

Juliet

Just chillin ma.

Lady Capulet

Juliet!

Juliet

Mother, I don't feel so good.

Lady Capulet

Well. I came to tell you good news. Paris has agreed to marry you!

Juliet

(Looking aghast) WHAT! When?

Lady Capulet

Why, this Thursday! I would have thought that you would have been happy!

Juliet

Well I am so not! How could you do this to me mother! I want to talk to father.

Lady Capulet

Okay dear. (To a serving man near by) Fellow, go get me my husband.

Serving man

Yes ma'am. (Exit)

A few minutes later the serving man returns with Capulet.

Capulet

I was asleep! This had better be important!

Juliet

It is father. I will not marry Paris.

Capulet

WHAT!

Juliet

Need I repeat it in Latin for you?

Capulet

I will NOT have you speak to me that way! And you are going to marry Paris whether you like it or not. I- huh?

Enter Narrator

Narrator

Hold it there feller. I don't think that our audience needs to see this.

Capulet

You think so?

Narrator

Trust me. Let me take it from here ok? You guys go cool down a bit.

Juliet

(Pouting) Alright.

Exit Lady Capulet, Capulet, Serving man, and Juliet

Narrator

Sorry, but it was going to get real ugly there, anyway, to sum up. (Look through some papers- presumably the script) Ah, yes. ah-hem. Let's see. (Narrator puts on reading glasses.) All right, Capulet was going to yell at Juliet a bit, then she, of course, cowed under. She agreed to marry Paris. But little does her parental units know, that Juliet is SO not going to give up without a fight.

Exit Narrator

Act 4

Scene 1: Friar Laurence's cell

Enter Friar Laurence and Paris

Friar

On Thursday? Well, that's kinda soon.

Paris

Capulet wants it soon. And I am in no position to suggest otherwise.

Friar

You say that you do not know what Juliet thinks, which don't seem too good.

Paris

Well, right now she is crying sporadically over Tybalt's death. So I haven't mentioned love much. Her father is worried. So he wants this as soon as possible.

Friar

(Sighing) Ok, I see. Ah! Here comes the bride!

Enter Juliet

Paris

Ah! Juliet! Fancy meeting you here! Have you come to confess?

Juliet

Yes. (To Friar) But should I come later? You seem to be busy, Friar.

Friar

No, no. Now is fine. Sir, will you please excuse us?

Paris

Certainly, certainly. Farewell dearest, I shall see you at the altar Thursday.

Exit Paris

Juliet

(Waits until Paris is out of earshot, then close the door.) Oh, life is SO NOT good.

Friar

I know, I know.

Juliet

Isn't there _anything_ that I can do to prevent this?

Friar

Well, there is one thing.

Juliet

Really?

Friar

Yes. But I don't know if you're brave enough.

Juliet

Brave enough? HELLO! Look at whom you are talking to! Besides I would rather like, DIE than marry Paris!

Friar

Good. Well Juliet. (Fish something out of pocket) You see this vial? In it is a potion that will make you sleep as if you were dead for two days. I will send a letter to "Romeo telling him. So when you wake up, he will be there, then you can leave with him.

Juliet

Cool! (Take the vial) This is awesome! Thank you sooooo much Friar! Goodbye! I will see you in two days!

Exit Juliet

Friar

See you.

Exit Friar

Scene 2: Hall in Capulet's house

Enter Capulet, Lady Capulet. Nurse, and 2 serving men

Capulet

Invite all the people on this paper. (Hand paper to first serving man)

(Exit 1st serving man)

And you go get 20 cooks.

2nd serving man

Do not worry, I'll get spanking good cooks who all lick their fingers.

Capulet

Why would you make sure that they lick their fingers?

2nd serving man

Well. DUH! If they didn't lick their fingers, they are not willing to taste their own cooking.

(Exit 2nd serving man)

Capulet

Has Juliet gone to Friar Laurence?

Nurse

Yeah.

Capulet

Good, maybe he'll make her see the way things should he. How it's bad to wallow in despair.

Enter Juliet

Nurse

Well, she certainly seems happy enough.

Capulet

My daughter, Where have you been?

Juliet

I've been up to see Friar Laurence. He has brightened my day. Father, I will marry Paris. For I am yours to obey!

Capulet

Whatever the Friar has done, he should get a bundle for it!

Juliet

I met Paris there! OHHH! What a doll! Nurse! Help me get my dress and things ready!

Lady Capulet

But Juliet, there is enough time, the wedding is not until Thursday.

Capulet

Leave her be wife. I haven't seen her this excited for a long time! Go on then nurse.

Exit Juliet and Nurse

Lady Capulet

(Burst into tears) My little baby is all grown up!

Capulet

Women!

Exit Capulet

Lady Capulet sits there muttering "My little baby, so, so grown up!" Over and over as the lights dim and the curtains drop.

Scene 3 Juliet's Chamber

Enter Juliet and Nurse

Juliet 

That dress is the best nurse. Hut can you please let me sleep alone tonight? I want the last two nights alone as an unmarried woman.

Enter Lady Capulet

Lady Capulet

(Throw arms around Juliet sobbing) My dear, dear daughter! You have grown up so much!

Juliet

Mother!

Lady Capulet

I am sorry. Now, is there anything that I can help you with?

Juliet

Nope. But if you will please leave me alone, and let this nurse stay with you tonight, helping to get things set up.

Lady Capulet

Of course dear, c'mon Nurse.

Exit Lady Capulet and Nurse

Juliet

(Collapse on bed and take out vial.)_[Writer's note: Juliet's speech here is supposed to be extremely exaggerated.]_ Good bye. Only God knows when we will meet again! Hut what if the potion doesn't work? Well then this dagger will be useful. I would rather DIE than marry Paris. But what if it's poison? Oh well, it's my only chance. I hope that all goes well. (She drinks the vial then lies in her bed.) 

Curtain falls

Scene 4: Hall in Capulet's house

Enter Lady Capulet and Nurse

Lady Capulet

Go get some more spices Nurse!

Nurse

Ok, but they are calling for dates and quinces in the kitchen

Enter Capulet

Capulet

Come on! Let's move! It isn't everyday that my daughter gets married! So it has got to be perfect!

Nurse

You know sir: you should like, really be getting some sleep.

Capulet

Sha right. I've been up later than this and nothing has happened.

Exit Lady Capulet and Nurse

Enter 3 or serving men with spits and logs and baskets

Capulet

What's in there?

1st serving man

(Appear to be drunk) Ssssttuffffoorrrthhhhheeec-c-c-coookkkkk. (Hiccup)

Capulet

Are you drunk?

1st serving man

(Faint)

2nd serving man

It seems so sir.

Capulet

Call a couple of other serving men to get him out of here while you guys take that stuff to the cook.

Enter 2 serving men, they pick up the drunk serving man and drag him off stage. He wakes up mid way and says in a British accent "but I'm not dead!"

Exit the rest of the serving men.

Capulet

Nurse! I need you!

Reenter nurse

Nurse

Yes?

Capulet

Go wake up Juliet, I'll go get Paris and have a talk with him.

Nurse

Yes sir.

Exit Nurse and Capulet, each going opposite ways

Scene 5 Juliet's Chamber

Enter Nurse

Nurse

Wake up Juliet! It's time for that talk with your Father! You know what talk I'm talking about! (Potter around the room a bit) Juliet! Juliet you get up this minute girl! (Draws hack Juliet's bed curtains and screams)

__

[This next part is to be performed in an exaggerated voice and manner]

Enter Lady Capulet

Lady Capulet

Nurse! I heard you scream! What's the matter!

Nurse

She is dead! Oh woeful day! She is dead! Oh hateful day! She is dead!

Lady Capulet

(Drop to knees by the bedside) Oh my dear, dear daughter! (Start sobbing.)

Enter Capulet

Capulet

What is all the fuss about?

Nurse

Juliet has ascended to the great dance party in the sky.

Capulet

WHAT! (Drops down beside Lady Capulet) Oh not my beautiful daughter!

Enter Paris, and Friar Laurence, with the musicians Lorry, Curly and Moe

Friar, is the bride ready?

Nurse

Not now, nor will she ever be!

Paris

What are you talking about?

Nurse

She is dead! (Lady Capulet starts sobbing afresh.)

Curly

You hear that? They want us to play the death Hymn!

Moe

No they don't, they said 'She is DEAD' Idiot! (Smack Curly)

Larry

What did ya do that for, eh?

Moe

Ah, shut up.

Capulet

Silence!

Friar

We must bury her.

Capulet

Yes I suppose so. But when we bury her, we bury my joy to.

Paris

Mine too.

Exit all

Act 5

Scene 1: a street in Mantua 

Enter Romeo

Romeo

What a strange dream that was. I dreamed that Juliet found me dead. Then she kissed me and drank some poison and died too.

Enter Balthasar

Ah, Balthasar! How is everything? Is Juliet' Ok? How's my father? Is Juliet Ok? Do you have a letter from the Friar? Is Juliet ok?

Balthasar

Well, Romeo, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news. But Juliet's dead.

(Pause) Oh Romeo! Don't look that way! She's at a better place!

Romeo

I must go to her grave. You know Balthasar, I actually loved Juliet. The chicks before her meant nothing to me. But now with her dead, I don't have a reason to live any more. Oh please go away. So that I can wallow in misery by myself!

Exit Balthasar

Oh how can I live! My dearest love is in the ground! Wait a minute! Is that an apothecary?

Enter apothecary

Apothecary

Who's there?

Romeo

Here, I see that you are poor, I'll give you 20 bucks for some poison.

Apothecary

(Glance up and down the street) All right, here. (Take something out of cloak) This is the strong stuff.

Romeo

Thanks! And now I must get to Juliet's grave.

Exit all

Scene 2: Friar Laurence's cell

Enter Friar John

Friar John

Hello Friar! How are you?

Enter THE Friar

Friar

Did Romeo write back?

Friar John

I m sorry, hut I got delayed. I could not give Romeo his letter.

Friar

Uh! That letter was important! Oh well. I'll write another. Friar John, go get me some paper and a writing utensil. (Exit Friar John)

When Juliet wakes up, I'll just hide her in my cell until Romeo gets here. (Exit)

Scene 3: a church yard in it a Monument belonging to the Capulets

Enter Paris, and his Page, bearing flowers and a torch

Paris

Leave me be. Let me mourn alone. But if anyone comes, whistle so that I might hear.

Exit Page

__

[In an exaggerated manner] Oh sweet Juliet My love for you has not weakened in the slightest! I give you these flowers (lay the flowers by Juliet) In hopes that wherever you are that you can smell their fragrance.

(The Page Whistles)

Enter Romeo and Balthasar, with a torch

Romeo

Give me that torch. I'm going to see my fair Juliet. Give this letter to my father. But if you disturb me, I swear, I'll tear you from limb to limb and throw your bones all over the graveyard. Kapesh?

Balthasar

Don't worry, I won't disturb you,

Exit Balthasar

Romeo

This is the tomb in which Juliet lies. In there, I will lie too.

Opens the tomb. Then goes inside.

Paris

Why it's that banished Montague that killed my love's cousin! He's probably here to do something horrible to the bodies. I will stop him. (Paris steps forward) Stop criminal! Are you going to curse these people in their death? No! I'm going to stop you!

Romeo

Get out of my way. I don't want to kill you too.

Paris

No!

Romeo

Fine! You want it? You got it!

They Fight

Enter Page

Page

Oh no! They're fighting! I'll go get the watch. 

Exit Page

Paris

__

[Exaggerated fall with flinging arms] (Falls) You- got- me! Please- lay me- beside- Juliet! (Dies)

Romeo

Oh no! What have I done! This was Mercutio's friend Paris! (Lay Paris in monument. Then move over to Juliet.) Oh my wife! You are beautiful even when you are dead. Here's to you! (Drinks the poison) Oh the drugs are quick. Just one more kiss, then I die.

Romeo leans down and kisses Juliet, then the falls backwards and dies.

At the other end of the graveyard, enter Friar Laurence, with a spade, crow and lantern.

Friar

Oh, I'm getting too old for this! Ha! Who goes there?

Enter Balthasar

Balthasar

It's just me. I'm here with Romeo. He's down at the monument.

Friar

How long?

Balthasar

About a half-hour.

Friar

Well then, let's go.

Balthasar

Um, Romeo kinda told me that if I bothered him, he'd kill me.

Friar

Then I'LL go! 

(Heads toward tomb)

Romeo! Are you here? 

(Enters tomb)

Romeo! You're so pale! And Paris! He's here too! What happened? Ah, Juliet awakens. 

(Juliet wakes up) 

Juliet

Friar! Where's Romeo? (Noise within)

Friar

I'm sorry Juliet, I can't stay. The watch is coming.

Juliet

Don't worry. I won't go anywhere. 

(Exit Friar)

__

[Extremely exaggerated] What's this? A cup of poison in my love's hand? That was his death. But he drank it all! Maybe there is still some left on his lips. (Juliet kisses him) No, not any. But I can't live while he is dead! Oh! He has a dagger! (Lifts Dagger) But just know this my sweet Romeo: (Start singing the chorus to the "Titanic song. Then Juliet stabs herself. She falls on Romeo's body and dies.)

Enter Watch with the Page

Page

The fight was over there, where the torch is.

1st watch man

The ground is covered with blood. You, go get the Capulets and Montagues. You go get the Prince. And some of you scout around for some other people who might have witnessed it. 

Most Watch men depart in separate directions

A few minutes later, a few watchmen reenter with Balthasar

2nd Watchman

Here's Romeo's man. We found him in the churchyard.

1st Watchman

Keep a good hold on him, until the Prince arrives.

Enter Friar Laurence and another Watchman

3rd Watchman

I found the Friar in the churchyard with a spade.

1st Watchman

That is very suspicious. Keep a good hold on him too.

Enter the Prince with his train

Prince

Why do you drag me out of bed this early?

Enter Capulet, Lady Capulet and others

Capulet

What is the meaning of this?

Lady Capulet

Some people cry, "Juliet", others "Romeo" and still others "Paris! And they all head toward this monument!

Prince

What is going on?

1st Watchman

Here lie the bodies of Romeo. Paris, and Juliet. Paris slain. Romeo stoned, and Juliet newly killed even though she had died two days ago.

Prince

How did this come about?

1st Watchman

We found Friar Laurence and Romeo's man with tools to open a tomb.

Capulet

Look wife, our daughter lies there with a Montague knife in her.

Lady Capulet

This sight ages me a bit.

Enter Montague with others

Prince

Montague, where's your wife?

Montague

She is dead. Her grief over her son's banishment killed her. What has happened now?

Prince

Look.

Montague

Is that my son? Who killed him?

Prince

We have 2 suspects who will tell us all they know.

Friar

I will go first. I know the whole story.

Prince

Begin.

Friar

A while ago, I married these two, Romeo and Juliet. They had wanted to keep it a secret for fear of what their parents would do. Well on their marriage day. Tybalt and Mercutio were killed- the fine lads that they were, and Romeo was banished. It was arranged that Juliet would marry Paris. But being the noble wife that she was, she could not. So she came to me for a solution. I gave her a potion that would make her sleep as if she were dead for two days straight. Then I sent a letter to Romeo through Friar John, telling him. But some misfortune happened and the letter wasn't delivered. So Romeo came down here- supposing that his wife was dead- to kill himself. I am guessing that Paris thought otherwise, so they fought and Paris fell. Then Romeo killed himself, after that I came in and Juliet awakened. I heard a sound, and was frightened off. Juliet realized that her husband lay there dead. So she killed herself with his dagger, find that is all that I know.

Prince

Thank you Friar, you are still in our eyes a holy man. But let's ask Romeo's man what he knows.

Balthasar

I brought news of Juliet's death to Romeo. Then he and I came to this place. He told me to give this letter to his Father. Then he went into the tomb threatening to kill me if I followed. So I left him there.

Prince

Give me the letter. (Balthasar gives him the letter, and the Prince reads it.) Looks like the Friar's story is true. Romeo bought some poison to drink in Juliet's tomb, so that he may die beside her. _[In a televangelist voice]_ Where are the enemies? See what came upon your hate! Your children lay there dead because of a feud. 

Capulet

Oh Montague! I am so sorry.

Montague

So am I. Capulet, I will raise a golden statue of the true Juliet.

Capulet

I'll put one up to honor Romeo!

Prince

This morning brings a gloom peace. Come talk more of these sad things, (Exit all)

Enter Narrator

Narrator

For never was a story of more woe/Than this of Juliet and her 'Romeo.

Exit Narrator


End file.
